Friday, December 16, 2011

The Magic of "Ummmm"

I am a bachelor.  I'm a better bachelor than most bachelors (this from my bachelor friends). I just have a very single way of doing things.  I should, I've been single and living alone since I was 17.

The way I view dating is very male.  Basically I pick the one I want and take it home. I love making it do things naked as it has a stunning body that I like to check out.  Frequently I have been regaled with complaints about making it feel like a side of beef.  Isn't that a compliment?

I shop like a dude.  I'm a hunter - I go, get what I want, and leave.  Most women are gatherers.  They go, wander around looking at things, select a few, then leave.  That drives me bonkers - unless I'm at Sephora or a Home Depot or Best Buy.

The only thing I do that is really girly is over-communicate.  I fall all over myself to explain what I'm feeling and why.  I don't need to do this.  Listening to my now x boyfriend on the phone today, I realized that 'our' conversation consisted of me asking desperate questions and long silences punctuated by his going "ummmm...."  It was frustrating but I took it.

WHY did I take that?  That is total crap!  Yet men get away with it all the time!  From now on I am adopting this typically male characteristic as well and making my life much easier.  When I am asked a question I don't want to answer, I am going to say "ummmm...." until that person goes away.  I can't even believe how much simpler this will make my life!  Can you imagine?

Do you want to have dinner with me?  "Ummm...."
Why were you late?  "Ummm..."
Were you out with someone else? :Ummm..."
Did you use my razor? "Ummmm...."
Was it good for you?  "Ummm...."

Like Magic!

1 comment:

  1. A brilliant blog! You should have a talk show. Call it Phoenix Sings and you can blog away on mic. It could be the Oprah Winfrey replacement. So why are men masquerading as women? I like the shopping aspects but others may have different reasons. Here's an idea. The next latest and greatest boyfriend has to take an aptitude test and any wrong answers he gets a blast from your pet skunk. That will weed them out is my guess. by the way your friends suggestions are brilliant. Is she really a woman?