Friday, December 16, 2011

The Magic of "Ummmm"

I am a bachelor.  I'm a better bachelor than most bachelors (this from my bachelor friends). I just have a very single way of doing things.  I should, I've been single and living alone since I was 17.

The way I view dating is very male.  Basically I pick the one I want and take it home. I love making it do things naked as it has a stunning body that I like to check out.  Frequently I have been regaled with complaints about making it feel like a side of beef.  Isn't that a compliment?

I shop like a dude.  I'm a hunter - I go, get what I want, and leave.  Most women are gatherers.  They go, wander around looking at things, select a few, then leave.  That drives me bonkers - unless I'm at Sephora or a Home Depot or Best Buy.

The only thing I do that is really girly is over-communicate.  I fall all over myself to explain what I'm feeling and why.  I don't need to do this.  Listening to my now x boyfriend on the phone today, I realized that 'our' conversation consisted of me asking desperate questions and long silences punctuated by his going "ummmm...."  It was frustrating but I took it.

WHY did I take that?  That is total crap!  Yet men get away with it all the time!  From now on I am adopting this typically male characteristic as well and making my life much easier.  When I am asked a question I don't want to answer, I am going to say "ummmm...." until that person goes away.  I can't even believe how much simpler this will make my life!  Can you imagine?

Do you want to have dinner with me?  "Ummm...."
Why were you late?  "Ummm..."
Were you out with someone else? :Ummm..."
Did you use my razor? "Ummmm...."
Was it good for you?  "Ummm...."

Like Magic!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

The Good Life

I overheard this conversation the other day and it cracked me up so hard I had to post it. I have been really down about the excuse for a love life that I endure and after this I just couldn't take myself  seriously anymore.  OK, we may not be attaches to rock stars but I think we all have high points.  Just play Mad Libs and [insert word here].

There were two women at a table, one was going on about a particular loser she was dating when her friend cut her off.  The following is a near exact transcript, as close as I can remember:

Her: "OK, hold on.  This loser can basically only live online, right?  And he moved on from you to someone that doggedly follows your every move, down to your hair?  But he wont admit to dating you?"
Other Her: "Bascally"
H: "And he's terrified that his friends will give him a hard time about dating you, right?"
O:  "yeah"
H:  "Ok.  Now, how many certified, actual rock stars have had no problem admitting that they are interested in you in front of a concert hall, fans, friends, strangers, Spin magazine and in one case his girlfriend?"
O: "Ummm...I...ummm..."
H: "...cuz by my count it's at least 4, NOT counting the Aussie that kept phoning you at home wanting you to go on tour with him.  And then there's that one actor if we are going to count everyone.  And those comic book people that got famous. And I'm going to throw in the assassin for fun."
O: "Um...well...I...but...."
H:  " I'm thinking there is NO reason for ANYONE to have a problem admitting they are dating YOU.  And anyone that wouldn't throw that guy a damn party is a fucking idiot. Geeze. What kind of morons are you hangin' with?  I think we have found the root of the problem here. You know you don't slum well!  Stop trying! It never works for you!"
O: "O.O" (pause) "OK. I can't argue with that."
H: "Literally.  There's documentation."
O: "OK I may have forgotten who I am for a minute there."

Lets not forget who we are!

Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want
We're young enough to say...

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Use Me

I've said this a lot, historically.  When at work and I have a skill that's lacking: use me.  When assisting a friend in cooking dinner or fixing a house: use me.  I think the most important way I abuse this phrase, though, is when I offer my strength to someone that needs it.  Use me.  If you don't think you can make it, use me.  I've been there.  Use me, I'll hold you up.  Use me, its ok to cry.

Occasionally I feel that I have been offered for public crucifixion.  I didn't get the nick-name "Phoenix" for nothing.  Though I am always baffled at the apparently human desire to kick puppies and nice people,  at this point in my life I again find myself saying "use me."  If you must.  I can take it. Better me than someone else, someone weaker, that can't.  In all the continents that I have lived on I learned that there will always be a small contingent of sad people that want to build you up just to knock you down.  Ignore them.  Love them.  Do what you must but do not let them in, and keep walking tall.

I give my strength freely on my own and am happy to do so when asked.  What I don't appreciate is having it taken from me.  When I allow myself to get close to someone, its an exchange of selves.  Its sharing.  Those bonds are what build friendships.   Lately I have been fooled by some individuals that only wanted to take and before I knew it they sucked me dry, leaving me feeling used when all they had to do was ask.  I would have happily given whatever they wanted.  Instead they ripped it away from me.

Here on the stand with the book in my hand, truth on my side...

No one will ever convince me that its shameful to mourn the loss of a lover or friend, and only the weak think tears are a sign of weakness.  I'm just beginning to understand that kindness is almost always the best option.  I try to live my life in a way that I can be proud of, that is reflected in my friends (who rock as hard or harder than I do)(usually harder).

Sometimes, like now, when I'm running low and I keep getting jabbed by idiots, it's hard to remember that.  It's also hard to remember that a 2D environment encourages people to act first, think later and forget most of it, that partnerships are made and broken in months and each new one is "true love" they waited forever for and thought they would never find, that most women are men and you can change from human to car in 5 minutes.  I'm a Real Girl.  That is Memorex.

Walk tall.