Wednesday, November 30, 2011


I noticed that I was still following a particular blog today and, braving the waves of animosity radiating from it,  went to take out the link when a post caught my eye (footnote).  It seems my former friend is dealing with the fallout from a former relationship.

There is a lot of this going on right now.  I have to say I feel strongly about old attachments.  I've always considered it a kind of bizarre badge of honor that I not only retain most of my ex boyfriends as close friends, but that they also tend to like each other.  Same with friends.  I don't see these people as disposable.

I can honestly state that I don't say anything behind someone's back that I wouldn't say to their face.  Typed or spoken.  Anyone that reads my Facebook or speaks to me for more than 5 minutes knows I don't keep secrets, at least not many, and I'm simply too feeble to lie.  Its too much work.  I live out loud with no fear!  I'm a breathing athletic shoe slogan!  Being that way puts me under constant scrutiny and it just ends up being a pointless expenditure of effort to interweave untruths. 

I also try to be objective and fair in all things, usually to my own disadvantage.  I'm cruel to myself.  I'm working on that.  For this reason its hard for me to say or post things that might hurt someone else, because it makes me feel bad.  Even if its the right thing to do.  "It hurts me more than it hurts you" in my case is very true.  I have to fight with myself to keep from following whomever like a puppy begging forgiveness even if I did nothing wrong, just because I upset them somehow.  It's really sad and goes against the whole Diva image. (I should just shut up but that also goes against the Diva image and my nature so I think I'm fucked here.)

For some reason, my carpe noctem philosophy really incites some people,  I've been RL and cyber stalked for years.  Never really known why, occasionally the inevitable fifth column will tell me there is no reason.

I love Second Life, its a fantastic creative outlet as long as you balance a healthy first life with it.  SL can be so insidious and alluring, it can creep in and start taking you over slowly until you rush home to log in and fall in love with someone you only see a few hours a day.  This is clearly a dangerous situation.  Especially for a Real Girl like me. I was an SL Girl for 2 years after my accident, and getting away from that is incredibly hard, but I'm managing.

Where is my friend when I need you most?  Gone away....

The tough thing for me is understanding some of the people that I met during my time as an SL Girl.   Someone I considered my best friend RL or SL once told me not to fall in love in SL, that I didn't belong there and I would get hurt.  She said to leave that to them (lifers).  She was correct....even though she was in many ways integral to my pain in that relationship.  I was too feeble to figure out her involvement until the end and never said an unkind word to her before I was unfriended and banned.  When this happened after a fight with a previous friend I thought it was pathetic, which it is.  (Oooooh, I'm locked out of the fake house in fake-land. As if!) Not so, once I had been assimilated. This is a person I supported through many of her personal crisis (and vice versa) and stood by even when that might not have been the most strategic position for me.  I took her verbal attacks when she was stressed and upset and, once I figured out how she was, I tried to make her laugh instead. I'll never understand her vitriol or interest in my lover (which persists).  I've never had a close friend turn on me that way.  I actually physically don't understand it and it scares me.  Is it SL that makes disposing of good people so easy?

Without the mask, where will you hide?...

She has a lovely sim where I thought I had many friends, I felt blessed with good fortune that way. Most of them call me crazy now for reasons that elude me.  I'm shunned by the people that I considered family as though I did something horrible to them.  On the contrary, I shot film of their sims and performed for free without a second thought and would do it again.  I do anything for my family.  After this debacle I left that sim and found better friends that are RL friends as well...but those attachments are like dusty memories that sound a little like the echoes of laughter I heard a long time ago.  Is it SL that makes it so easy to be the children to her Pied Piper?  How is it possible to believe something with all evidence to the contrary?  If the same happened in reverse I would ask that person directly. Or something.  This just makes no sense to me.

My lover brought me another kind of pain.  He is cruel, vindictive and a liar.  I have surrounded myself for so long with good people that this alone baffles me.  I never dated anyone in SL, he had to explain everything to me and was my first.  He wanted to keep me a secret, among other wrong things, but he made me inexplicably happy and we kept wanting to be together so we kept working it.  Unfortunately he just told too many lies, I couldn't take it and too many fights ensued. Then all hell broke loose and there was so much going down I cant really say exactly what caused the break up.  I do know he never missed me enough to come back.

Afterwards though, he and my friend shared my intimate IMs and chats and made private details of our relationship public knowledge.  He also lied about why we broke up (he just told me this).  Then he hooked up with someone else and used our relationship as fodder for that one.  He gave her everything he knew I wanted from him. It was excruciating for me, which is ridiculous because none of it was real.

Cause if you're not really here, then the stars don't even matter....

Recently he pursued me again and we spent 3 weeks up each other's asses in video chat basically from when we woke up to when we slept.  It wasn't an SL relationship anymore.  It made us both happier and we both worked hard to fix what went wrong and make a new friendship...only we don't feel platonic about each other and "friendly" ended the first night.  We alted in-world but he clearly had rules about being in there with me.  In fact he seemed to have a lot of specifics about RL and SL, effectively partitioning himself off. We discussed the crap that went on before and found out a lot we didn't know.  I was driving across the country at the time and had finances allowed we would have spent the weekend together.  We were addicted to each other.  Then he and I had a bad day at the same time and that was that.  I couldn't let him see someone else in SL and be with me too.  And I couldn't let him continue to keep me a secret.  So I dumped his cheating ass and outed him on Facebook even though it hurt. Digital seems to be all he cares about, so I had to meet him there.  Ugh. 

He hasn't said a civil word to me since.  He went so far as to post a very weak confession on his Facebook for his friends - the ones that think I'm crazy - denying everything.  I have continued to try to elicit conversation from him because I feel terrible about upsetting him so deeply even though I don't believe I did anything wrong or dating me is anything to be ashamed of.  It eats at me.  His is an attachment that I hold dear, even though I no longer have any romantic urges. No matter what insane thing he does, I loved him once and that gets him a special place in my heart.

This is someone else's story, someone that I never knew....

Threatening his SL was too much for him.  It's the only life he wants, and he doesn't want me in it.  He credits me with showing him the possibilities of that life, of having a lover and all the other human things we shared, but doesn't want to share them with me.  I don't understand this - none of this.  Why wouldn't he want to rejoin RL especially since he wouldn't have to do it alone, and by the way why didn't he want me?  I'm not "all that" but honestly I am way out of his league while the chick he's chasing...isn't.  Is it SL that makes it possible for him to ignore me and pursue someone else?  Leave prime rib for hamburger? Who doesn't want their dream girl (his words) when they get the chance?  Does SL enable his rampant cruelty? 

Is it really that easy for you, just because you can't see my face?

This is an attachment that is detrimental to me, and one that I will have to release - something that I have never done willingly and abruptly before.  Of course, the need has never existed before.  I have no idea how to go about it. Fun fun.

I said I was objective so this part is for me.  Is it SL that keeps holding me to his memory?  I would have forgotten a RL guy by now. I would never have given this one the time of day in RL - I would have known he was, well, scum.  In SL he is hysterically funny and right when I needed it.  Our video chat happened when I was sick and alone in the middle of the US and I needed companionship.  I'm now trying to make my way in a new town and its going much slower than I anticipated...I miss the companionship still.  I cant help looking at the glow of the monitor and thinking "...maybe...that was nice...".  It was like having a close friend on demand, anytime.  Is this SL too?

I have a surprising real life relationship starting with someone that calms me tremendously (and that is something I need), and I'm thrilled to have moved out of the horrible situation that I was in when I met my x.  However, lying sick in front of the monitor for 3 days I can't help probing around the latest conflagration my life has gone up in.

I know some people wanna criticize, makes 'em feel better about themselves....
I've never been the type to be shy
I know that some would say I'm too headstrong
But I'd rather be a woman who voices her mind
Whether you think I'm right or wrong