Am I Cool Yet?

There is no denying that SL has been one hell of a learning experience for me.  I never anticipated most of the impact it has had on my life.  Nor did I anticipate the growing pains.

Initially, I thought I was an OK chick in a bad - albeit temporary - situation in life. As I grew more confident with my performing I became more confident with myself in general. I lost a tremendous amount of weight, I achieved my dream of singing in public (and got paid for it!).  I thought if I would ever pull off "cool" it would have to be in a virtual world so I tried it.

I started to open myself up to SL relationships.  And I learned about people, good and bad, as though I had never before experienced human contact.  That is the SL learning curve.  SL makes people simultaneously more and less real.  More and less honest.  In a world that offers both the freedom that comes with the illusion of anonymity and the ability to fake your own death multiple times, "extreme" is the word of the day.

My evolution while in SL has brought me full circle.  I have always wanted to be cool, I have done cool things, I certainly know cool people - but I am basically just a geek - and a clumsy geek at that.  I have a polished facade that I have come to recognize as an act - a pretension to coolness. 

When I was a kid, I realized that I didn't like myself.  Approaching that with the same painfully literal mind that I do my database organization I picked traits from all the people I could think of that I admired.  Bette Midler's boldness.  Audrey Hepburn's class. All 5 members of Duran Duran's various traits.  Julie Andrews' voice.  My Aunt Vivian's style and intelligence. And I pasted together someone that I really enjoyed being.  I still enjoy being me to this day. 

But who the hell am I really?

I intend to find out, this time around while in SL.  I have explored being cool and being unguarded, now I am just going to be genuine.  My life has been in almost constant upheaval since 2009 and I am going to start by not worrying about it anymore.  When I feel overwhelmed I am going to take a breath and look out at the Sound.  I am going to release the resentment caused by cretins that deceived me and focus on the wonderful friends that I have (starting with you Fuz).

Because as long as I am being genuine there is nothing to be ashamed of, and nothing to fear.  There is just me.  Whoever that is! 

I look forward to exploring that, this time with absolutely nothing to prove.

My singing voice has changed as well.  I like it better.  It's a sign!

Blow me....

If you read this blog, you know that three years ago I had the worst SL boyfriend known to man.  I am not exaggerating, he was all the Second Life romantic nightmares you have ever heard rolled up into one Demon Spawn. I am serious when I say that this guy did everything but beat me or give me VD.

I am nothing if not an overachiever!

So!  Three tumultuous years later he refuses to disappear from my life and every time he resurfaces I have to deal with the ensuing emotional backlash.  Finally, this November I decided to deal with him once and for all by saying "Fuck it, lets be friends."  It was what we were good at anyway, as he never seemed to have any carnal urges in my direction.

Things were going brilliantly, I really thought I would have adjustment issues and was shocked to find I did not.  Then, on Thanksgiving day, he casually mentioned to me that he is gay.

It was the best thing he could have done for me.  Well, other than being honest in the beginning I mean.  This was the missing piece.  This made it all make sense.  And this was all I needed to close the book on him for good.

I admit the shock was intense at first.  Then the abject humiliation was suffocating.  But now I know that trusting him reflects well on me and poorly on him, not the other way around.  Sometimes, showing vulnerability is the absolute strongest thing you can ever do.  In fact, usually it is.

The mind is a wonderful thing and I started singing this song a lot, before I realized its significance.  Expect it during my upcoming shows, it is a moral imperative even if it is impossible to sing (I mean, Pink can't even sing it, it's the product of terrific audio editing).  And don't be surprised if I fade away from the mic at times, there is a lot of dancing going on over here!

Usually I would post the significant song lyrics here but the whole damn song is significant so just dance and let the release wash over you like it has me.

Words

...are written on the wind
...are meaningless
...actions speak louder than
...there's no use talking at all!

All of those are true.  There is no doubt about that.

However, the right word in the right ear at the right time can - and already has - change your life!

Don't believe me?  Think about this.  You got that job because of something you said during the interview, or something someone else said about you.  It's the same reason you lost that job.

You dated that boy because of something he said to you in the beginning.  Don't believe me?  When the relationship ends and you are sobbing hysterically, what are you always sobbing?  "He said...he loved me/he would never leave me/he would never cheat...." whatever, he said it and you believed it and now you remember those words, don't you?

Who would argue that the phrase "I've been thinking" strikes terror into the heart of everyone, double that when it's followed by "We need to talk?" Shudder.

Words are nasty little unpredictable buggers.  That's why spin doctors have jobs.  They can control the fallout from those damnable words.  That skill is worth it's weight in gold (if it had weight) which is good because that is about what they earn.  It's completely worth it.

My words have power.  Yes, we have just established that everyone's do, but mine in particular.  Specifically when composed into this exact phrase:  "Wouldn't it be funny if...?"

I first noticed this phenomenon when I was in High School.  Without fail, whatever I thought would be "funny" occurred, to the letter, as described.  As I got older the trend continued, and yes thinking that phrase counts.  By the time I hit 25 that was a phrase I just never used.   Ever.  Hearing it slip past my lips was enough to make me stop dead in my tracks and sigh with heavy dread and good reason.

That trend continues to this day.

You know what I've noticed?  Very rarely do you ever think it would actually be "funny."  Usually "whatever" you are thinking of is ironic at least, embarrassing at most.

For me, it's become revealing that "whatever" is usually positive - extremely positive - but ironic, embarrassing and scary.  More often than not my sighs are followed by a slow, giant grin as I realize I have just prognosticated my own success -  albeit in my own typically clumsy way.

I don't know if this is the same with everyone.  It never occurred to me to ask until this very second.  I also don't know if by uttering such phrases you change your fate or merely realize it.  What I do know is the relationship between cause and effect, and that words are the key to this phenomenon.

Yes, words are very, very powerful, and this power is nothing to be trifled with.

You know what else I've noticed?  Clumsy is endearing.

...so from the flames

I've been dragging my feet getting back to Second Life.

I've been dying to sing, my set list is chosen my songs are down....but when it comes to logging in?  My heart sinks.  This break has thrown all sorts of growing pains at me.  I feel like I've done some pretty heavy evolving, but one thing I will never change is my loyalty.  I will never forget where I started, those people that had faith in me even when I didn't.  Those that gave me a chance.  The ones that came to my shows when I sucked.  I love them.

When I had my car accident in 2009 I tried SL because I was bed ridden and couldn't think of anything else to do.  I also thought it would help return dexterity to my right hand.  I love burlesque so naturally I ended up on the sim that was to become Viva La Glam.  When that sim split into two groups I supported both and remained neutral. 

When one group stabbed me in the back I didn't provide any but the scantest details related to my own life directly and no gossip.  What shocked me is that I was banned from Viva too.

It is true that in times of trial you learn who your friends are.  I have several true SL friends that have stood by me throughout all this upheaval. I value them as highly as I do the friends I see in RL.  They are the ones that make me want to sing, and they are the ones that "deserve me at my best."  But there is the odd folder or the errant subscribo message that reminds me of how amazing those first days were, surrounded by all those people that pushed me to succeed.

At the time I thought it was too good to be true. 

Now, it's time to begin, anew....

The Generation Time Forgot

I never thought I would be one of them.

You know.  Old.

They funny thing is, mine is the first generation that really isn't.   We are the first generation who's 40 looks and feels 20.  Our era is still the craziest. We came after X and before Y.  We were the first to really concentrate on living our dreams, because we were the first to have that kind of disposable time and the support system to allow it yet we still value self respect and have a solid work ethic.  We did things like read.  Books.  And we didn't have to run out and spend $300 on a gadget to do it.

We are the ones that ripped apart the social stigmas, that made gays cool and accepted exotic races.  We ripped apart useless stereotypes so the coming generations could rebuild something better.

The coming generation brought us slackers.

Instead of working to build onto this gap, they eschew work and accept the "its all good" marijuana mentality.  They assume that everything will be brought to them and find all work repugnant.  They are ignorant of everything.  They can commit to Youtube.com. Where I live they refuse to shower or groom themselves in any way, wear clothes junkies have discarded and call it "hipster." Their music would suck except its starting to be mostly reworked 80s thank God so I can tolerate it.  They honestly have no concept of responsibility.  They scare me.

Yes, that is what started all this.  I had to go associate with actual people today and caught myself saying "Kids today SUCK!"

I know this is the fault of the parents but I honestly don't know how this happened. I never had kids, and I know parents tend to fall into that "I want to give you everything I never had" trap but please.  As a parent your job is to give your child  discipline, self respect, independence, intelligence (education), love and support, those things.  Not x-boxes.  Even I know that.  So wtf happened here?

These idiots are the people that will be taking care of us when we finally do get old.  Yikes.  I don't even want to think about it.  We are sure to be forgotten again.

PSA: Beware the Crazy Weasel!

At various times in my life I've been bullied.  Whether RL or online it's always by the same people, and they always say and do the same things.  Usually it involves tagging with some derivative of "crazy" (or, in the deep south, "gay" which probably meant the same thing up in there) and wolf pack behavior. Too many of my friends are going through this, its time to stand on my table again.

I am so tired of boring crazy people calling us crazy.  Do they not realize how crazy they sound?  This isn't an "it takes one to know one" situation, this is an "Alcoholics Anonymous" situation.

What I mean is, I have escorted many of my friends to AA, because I do that.  What I have noticed without fail is that once there I am the subject of mass inquiry.

"Do you drink?"
"Well then you have a problem too."

No matter what I say, I have a problem too.  To an alcoholic everyone has a problem, apparently.  The difference with tedious crazy people, I think, is that they won't admit they are alcoholics.  Even when they are "just sitting around, reading 'Guns and Ammo,' masturbating in [their] own feces" as David Mills so delightfully put it.  I don't think they ever "just stop and go, "Wow! It is amazing how fucking crazy I really am!" They just point those icky fingers and say "It's you!"

( Halfway through writing this I realized I was singing "Let's Go Fly A Kite" and really enjoying it.  I don't know what that means but it seems relevant.  I suggest you do the same for this post's musical interlude.)

Thankfully this kind of garden variety crazy weasel is easy to spot once you know what to look for.  They are cowards that hide behind their computers with no understanding of respect or boundaries. They flourish in SL, for instance (but are known as "haters" elsewhere).  They travel in packs and are incapable of functioning alone.  Basically they are everything you aren't and they hate you for it...but first they will love you so very much - too much, too fast - trying to worm their way in and find a way to break this exciting, new butterfly's wings.  They can't have you change the status-quo or make them look bland standing next to you in their vacuum.  Note that they only attempt to desiccate the best and the brightest they think they can get their hands on (...so if they are descending on you, smile). Sadly, like most lunatics, they can seem wildly creative.  Unfortunately its just not worth it to find out.

It is startling and painful the first time or two a normal, healthy person encounters the Crazy Weasel. Frankly we just aren't prepared for their illogical and vitriolic teacup tempests.  After that its handy to learn how to derender/delete in milliseconds.  Personally, it took longer than I like to admit to learn that I am not a butterfly, I'm a Phoenix and these aren't wings, they are jets of flame.

I'm like Kid Curry now.  I can eradicate a peanut from my world before you can say psyc--

..

Rip Him To Shreds

So.  I had an admittedly great time last night doing something I would never publicly admit to: lampooning one of my ex-boyfriends.

Ok, no.  I did no public lampooning.  I just laughed heartily and publicly at the lampooning that was happening, er, nearby.  And I feel totally guilty about it.  I felt guilty about it at the time, which is moronic.  I mean, I feel bad because I live by the golden rule.  I can't bear accidentally hurting someone, much less doing it deliberately.  Considering the subject matter I should rejoice that I found someone witty enough to make coke come out my nose at my x's expense.  It's richly deserved.  Yet...I'm a damn pussy.

Seriously.  I can turn the concept of Karma in upon itself, can't I?  This is like anti-karma.  The not-doing inversely affects the negative impact of any pre-conceived ill-intentions.  Or something  (I'll give you a second to wrap your mind around that one).

Plus, I don't believe in guilt.  There is no room for it in my life.  I do nothing that I am ashamed of  = no guilt.  Hell, I don't even do anything I keep secret...though perhaps I could take another look at that (video) policy. I have always been my harshest critic and never fail to call a spade a spade.  Occasionally out of kindness I might give it a mercy upgrade or bless it with "love blindness" by allowing it to believe it's "hot" by not commenting.  Or by emphasizing the points that are actually good.  Or occasionally with a phrase similar to "You keep telling yourself that, Dear."

I'm careful overall when picking at a spade though, honestly. I mean I work hard to be "all this," - it doesn't mean I think I'm "all that."  I find it much more pleasant to allow others to blow my horn anyway...then suffer temporary Kathy Griffin deafness and ask them to repeat it.  Sure it requires almost excruciating patience at times but is inevitably worth it for so many reasons...(head toss).

All in all, however, I do actively work to diminish the bad (inside and out) and emphasize the good - but do I ever say I like my boobs a lot?  Or do I just mention them?  Its a subtle but important distinction.  Humility wrapped inside a boast tucked into generalization...ok I am waaaay too pretty to throw my brain around this hard in one blog post.  I need water...

...I'm just saying the key to being a great make-up artist is knowing bone structure.  Or embellishments are vital as long as they add to the original piece.  Or for the love of God keep your feet on the ground or gravity will give you a nice painful reality check when you least expect it.

Not that there's anything wrong with being in love with your own ass.  Just make sure its not on your shoulders.